What happened to her anyway?


As most have noticed that my sites are all about Jesus.  I have had many raised eyebrows, criticism, called many things “bible thumper”, “she’s gone all religious”, “crazy”.


I thought that I would write a little bit about me and why my life is dedicated to Christ and sharing who He is.  Most of you knew me as “the bubbly bartender with long blonde curly hair” well my hair isn’t the only thing that has changed. 


Actually my story starts back at the beginning of high school.  If most of you knew me I wasn’t a very nice person, I was selfish and was willing to do anything to get what I wanted and I didn’t care who or what I hurt to fulfill my own desires.  I walked away from a set of morals and a profession of faith that I had made at a very young age.  My attitude was, I just want to have my fun and when I am done then I will do the whole church thing. Not only was I presuming that I had all the time in the world to make that change, I thought I had the authority in my own life to call how my life was going to turn out.  So I began my journey of fun and self fulfillment.


Little did I know the things I was doing were destroying not only me but my family and everyone who cared about me and loved me.  God had left me to my sin and allowed me to live my life the way I wanted.  He abandoned me.  Sounds mean, it isn’t at all and I will explain that a little later.


I carried on in this lifestyle for almost 10 years, the more I partied the more I was willing to compromise what I thought was right. The biblical term is a hardening of heart.  I had violated my conscience and over rid the guilt of the things I was doing and became numb. I tried harder drugs, drank more and definitely lowered my standard for the men I allowed in my life.  My favourite thing to say was “I am not doing anything wrong” and why not do it no one else I hung out with thought it was wrong and we were having a great time right?  Wrong!  My heart was mess.  Slowly the things in my life that I found enjoyment in I couldn’t enjoy anymore the things that defined me and what I had built my life on was torn away one by one.


Then, I got pregnant.  Obviously I stopped partying and tried to straighten out my life.  Until, a few months after I had Isaac I started to return to the party life, working back at the bar, defining my self by the men in my life.  I used them to fill the void in my heart. As long as I had these things I was secure. It wasn’t long before that came to a stop.  Then I started to see how unstable the things were in my life and that if at any point I didn’t have them anymore where and who would I be?


Well, one night, when Isaac and I had just moved into our new apartment, we didn’t have cable so I decided to rent a movie.  I had heard that The Passion was a really good movie so I thought I’d give it a try. I didn’t make it very far into the movie before I was overwhelmed and broke out crying.  I had seen a picture of what Jesus had done for me.  No one was with me telling me these things but when He was being beaten I just knew that punishment was mine, I saw the death that He died was suppose to be mine.  I saw the pain He endured, knowing that wasn’t even half of what He really received.  It was my sin that had sent Him to the cross.  I saw my Creator become the most marred person in history.  No one was leading me to Christ no one was telling me what to do, Christ had come to me, He sought me out.  I went up stairs to Isaac’s room and saw him sleeping and thought, what am I doing, I can’t take care of this little boy if I can’t even take care of myself? I knew that I wasn’t just accountable for my own life but that sweet baby’s life, too.  I walked into my room and hit my knees and pleaded with God to take away my old life seeking forgiveness for how I was living.  I was ready, I knew at that moment and saw what He did for me, I was ready to live His way.The battle I had been fighting with God since I had Isaac was over, I was His and He was mine.


That is why my sites are dedicated to my Savior.  I am not into the whole religious thing; I am in love with the God who saved me from the eternal judgment in hell that I was storing up for my self when I had decided to live the way I wanted to. I had mentioned above that He abandoned me and left me to my sin while my life has always been under His sovereign control, if it wasn’t, I would have died in my sin and received the punishment I truly deserve.  Though I hate my sin because I violated the holiness of my Father and the wrath that was mine was placed on Christ because of it, I love Him all the much more because my debt was so big and He gladly went to the cross bearing my sin and punishment, it lowers my view of myself because I know what I am capable of when I am left to my self.  By allowing me to endure the things I chose to do, I am better equip to minister to kids but most of all my own child of the things this world has to offer and what will happen if you purse the desires of your heart and turn from Him.  Everyday I think about what He did for me and if God can use me to show people how amazing He is then I will do everything I can to display that.


Though God is love He is also holy and just and when that holiness is violated, by sin and a life that lives for them self there is severe judgment and punishment.  Christ says all we need to do is believe, repent (ask forgiveness) and obey Him. God created away to not receive our just penalty, His name is Jesus.  Don’t presume as I did that you have tomorrow because tomorrow may never come and everyone will stand before God, My prayer you will receive the gift of life and saving faith and that Jesus will stand in your place because He made the way for you and took your punishment and by raising on the 3rd day conquered sin and death by reversing the curse of sin, all we do is believe.  Please don’t ever think that I think I deserve any of this all the things above prove I don’t it is only by the grace and love of God I stand where I do today and I am willing to tell any and everybody how serious judgment is and how great God is! The alternative is too grievous to even think about.  We were created by Him and for Him for His glory and our good!